Dear Taylor, Hey Tay! How's it going? Do you have TVs up there? I
hope so.
You missed 'Friends' last Thursday, so I hope you can catch it this
week. It's so
unreal with you not here Taylor. It's hard to imagine you in heaven.
Are you
getting to eat plenty of red jelly beans? *laughing* How about
keyboards? Do
you have one? I know it wouldn't really be heaven for you, without a
keyboard
and a mic! Well, I'm just checking up on you, little bro. I just
wanted to make
sure you're OK, and to tell you some stuff about what happened. It
was
unbelievable, even for you. And you have pulled some pretty crazy
stunts in
the past, Tay. It started out as just a regular Thursday practice. But
as we were
belting out 'Where's the Love,' I noticed you kind of lagging behind
the beat. I
thought it was Zac at first, doing his usual, "I'm the drummer, I can
speed us up
if I want," but he looked sorta confused too. Then, suddenly, in
mid-chorus,
you just hit the ground like a ton of bricks. I ran over to you, and
immediately
yelled at Zac to go get Dad. At first I thought your legs had just
given out, but
your eyes were closed and your body was completely limp. I just held
your
head in my lap and waited impatiently for Dad. What happened after
that is
kind of a blur. It seemed to take the ambulance forever to get here. I
got to ride
in the back with you though. I just sat there next to you, holding
your hand. I
kept talking to you about our upcoming tour. You were so excited about
that
tour, Taylor, that I thought, if I kept talking to you about it, you
would just
magically wake up. I kept asking you to open your eyes, but you
wouldn't.
You've always been so stubborn, Tay. *smile* But I didn't give up. I
kept
telling you that you couldn't leave me, that I needed you. And, to the
shock of
the paramedics, you did open your eyes! It was just for a second, but
you did
open them. Even after all the things we've accomplished in our lives,
I have
never been more proud of you than I was at that moment. At that
point, I
actually believed you were gonna make it. Beat the odds like you
always did.
The three hours in the waiting room ticked by so slowly. Finally the
doctor
came out to give us an update. We could tell immediately by the look
on his
face that the news wasn't good. "He's gone," is all he said. My
little brother
was in there and had just lost the fight of his life, and all this
guy could say
was, "He's gone." I was filled with so much anger. I wanted to punch
the walls,
but then, the doctor said that one of us could go in to see you. It
was obvious
that Mom couldn't handle it, and Dad was trying to comfort her, so I
went. I
expected your body to be all cold, you know? But when I took your
hand, it
wasn't. It just looked like you were sleeping. I squeezed your hand and
actually
half expected you to squeeze mine back, look up, and smile at me. But
you
didn't even move. You didn't even move, Tay. Do you know how mad that
made me? I grabbed your shoulders and started shaking you. I was
screaming
at you to open your eyes again. I was the last one who saw you with
them
open, you know that? I wanted so bad for you to get up. But, when I
stopped,
and looked at your face, in spite of all my shaking and yelling, you
really
looked sort of, at peace. It was then that reality hit me. I brushed a
strand of
loose hair off of your face and kissed your forehead. I wished,
then, that I
hadn't rambled so much about the tour in the ambulance, and had taken
that
opportunity to tell you some more important things. We've always been
best
friends, you and I, since as far back as I can remember. We never said
much
that we cared about each other, though we both knew that it was
understood.
Well, it was too late to tell you now. I just climbed up in your
hospital bed and
laid next to you, holding your hand, until the nurse came in and told
me I had
to go home. Heart faliure. None of us could believe it. The van ride
home was
completely silent, except for all the sniffing. I immediately ran up to
our room,
climbed up on my bed and collapsed. God only knows how long I had
laid
there and cried before I heard the door open. I looked up hopefully,
praying it
was you. I wanted so bad for you to march into the room and start
yelling
about Zac's legos being all over the floor like you always did. But
instead,
standing in the doorway, was Zac, complete with a red face and swollen
eyes.
He must've been thinking the same as me, cuz, with tears rolling down
his face,
he instinctively bent down and began picking up his legos. Zac and
I sat
together on the floor that night and watched 'Tulsa, Tokyo, and the
Middle of
Nowhere'. We cried again every time we saw a clip of you
performing,
knowing we'd never see you play again. Then, we smiled every time you
said
something in your hilarious Brittish accent. *laughing* You always could
crack
us up with that one, Taylor. But, when it got to the part after we had
gone on
that 'flying' ride in Canada, and the camera close-ups on you and
you say,
"That was absolutely...insane." Neither of us could take it anymore.
That's
exactly what this whole thing is, Tay, insane. We had to shut the tape
off. That
first night without you was the hardest. You know, the next morning,
when I
woke up, I almost jumped down onto your bed to wake you up! But, all
I
found was a neatly made comforter and a pillow that hadn't been
touched. A
few days passed, and I was supposed to sing 'More Than Anything' at
your
funeral, which would have been totally appropriate seeing as how,
right now
"I'd give anything and everything I have just to be with you." But,
when I got
up there, the words just wouldn't come out. They played the MON
recording of
'With You in Your Dreams' instead. It was so ironic to hear your voice
singing
that, Taylor. That song will have a whole new meaning for all of
us. The
funeral was private of course, but we did get enough cards and flowers
from
fans to fill our whole house about a dozen times. You'll be missed all
over the
world, little brother. You were so valuble to so many people. I hope
you knew
that. Back at home, meals still are not taking place, at least not at
the kitchen
table. No one can bare to sit and look at your empty chair. And you know
what
makes me the most angry, Tay? All the stuff you're gonna miss. Like
your
birthdays. What are we supposed to do on March 14th? This one was gonna
be
your sweet 16. Zac and I were planning a huge blow-out. And dating,
what
about that? You'll never get married. You won't get to have kids. It's
just too
much, Taylor. You were too young. Well, I know you always d when
I
rambled, so I will get to the final point. I just wanted to check up
on you, and
let you know that I'm thinking about you. I miss you a lot. See ya
when I get
there. I love you. ~Isaac